love does not exist

let me save us some time.

we will meet. sparks will fly. we will call it love. sooner or later we’ll find ourselves entangled, between a set of sheets.

yours or mine – that part isn’t very important. but in the morning you’ll feel like a king and i’ll feel like a pile of garbage. i’ll hope that it turns into something more. you’ll hope that i’m still the same person; the same cool chick that you met at a bar where we talked about life and philosophy, the universe, and all of its complexities.

oh, but our conversations will change over time cause… we won’t always be at a bar and there will be cooking and cleaning to do. it’ll be stressful since we both work full time – i end up taking on most of the burden though. because it comes naturally to me. and because someone has to do it. that’s alright though, i won’t mind. because it makes me happy to do things for you.

sooner or later i’ll look worn out from the stress though, and you’ll begin to notice. in the meantime i’ll notice how you’re only available when you want to be. and the way you still look at – and flirt with – other girls. i’ll wonder where our relationship is going, and whether or not i’m wasting my time.

oh, but the more of your care and attention i seek the less you want to give. you also get more demanding. you want me to dress a certain way, act a certain way, look a certain way, be more ambitious, “open up” the relationship and do other shit that make me uncomfortable… and that simply isn’t me. but if i don’t then you’ll call me boring and closed minded. so i will. and i will start to, slowly, resent you for it.

it’s at this point that one of two things will happen:

1. i’ll get insecure. and rather than take the responsibility for that you’ll tell me that i’m “crazy,” “emotional,” and therefore not “the one.” you’ll assert that my insecurity is some inherent part of my being – not something that you created by being lazy in the relationship. no, of course not. so to make up for feeling “trapped” you’ll seek comfort in between the legs of other women. to know that you still “got it.” you’ll then justify it to your friends by saying that i made you do it. because i’m “jealous” and “controlling.” i’ll believe you when you tell me that and hate myself for being an inadequate woman. for not doing or being enough in the relationship to make things work. this will go on for a few months or, possibly even a few years. until you feel that you’re no longer benefitting from my company. when you’ve decided that i am, in fact, not “good enough” for you. of course you’re too much of a coward to break up with me though so you’ll attempt to drive me so absolutely crazy that i end up leaving you first. but i won’t. because the entire time i’ll be trying to change for you, believing that i’m the one doing something wrong. so eventually you have to suck it up and think of a lame excuse to dump me. because, after all, love does not exist.

2. i won’t let it get to the point that i become insecure. i’ll dissociate from my emotions entirely and not even bother to notice, let alone communicate when i’m hurt. because i know you’d only get defensive and try to blame me for it somehow. no. i’m smart enough not to waste my time like that. instead i’ll seek to feel safety in other ways – in someone else’s arms, perhaps with someone else’s wallet. because you proved to me, like the others before you, that love does not exist. so if i’m going to be treated like a whore then i might as well at least benefit from it somehow. in my spare time i’ll justify my convictions by writing philosophy articles and proving, scientifically, that love does not exist. i’ll keep the hope of a loving future with you in the back of my mind while i remain completely detached, finding comfort in logic and temporary pleasures. because it’s safer. because i already know that i won’t find comfort in you. and that any attempt to do so is futile. this option doesn’t last very long because this time, i get bored. and i was never in it for some temporary amusement in the first place. unlike you. no, it doesn’t take me long to realize that i’m better off not dealing with relationships at all. because i’m tired of the inevitable bullshit. because it’s so fucking below me and i know that i’m worth more than this. and it seems love. does not. exist.

either way this arrangement will benefit you for a while. it will not, however, benefit me in the least. despite my best efforts i’ll be left emotionally traumatized, with a broken soul and little perceived time or resources left to repair it. it’ll hurt you for a while too but much less than it will hurt me. and you’ll just numb it with alcohol and sex anyway.

yeah. lots of sex. because that’s all you give a shit about. because you think that’s what love really is. you think it’s the pleasure that you feel within the first few hours and (god forbid) months of meeting someone. when things are exciting. in fact, when things are only exciting. you think it’s the tingly sensations on your skin, the taste of a new tongue, and the smell of their perfume. sure, maybe you like familiarity to some extent. but not to the point where you start to notice their flaws (you mean everyone has flaws?!).

this isn’t love though. i know what it is. here, let me show you, by rewriting this script:

you’ll be my friend. a good, loyal friend. you’ll want to get to know me before we get entangled, between a set of sheets. and by then they will be our sheets. because we both knew exactly what we wanted. and had no interest in wasting each other’s time. so we made that decision. to keep each other. and proved it to the world, formally. so no one felt obligated to do anything while they were still in the dark, merely hoping, that it would lead to something real.

i’ll know that you’re “the one” for me because you care about my wants and needs. i’ll know because you’ve shown me. by not asking me to do things that make me uncomfortable. by not wanting those things in the first place. because you genuinely want to protect me and especially my emotions. so you don’t make me feel insecure. no, you want to be my anchor. who works hard every day to build a future with me rather than just promise it. all of your sweet words are backed up by actions. you watch carefully the things i do and say – not to judge or categorize me. not to figure out which things you need to try and change about me. but to understand me. to figure out how to love me in the ways that i need. and when i’m smiling that’s how you’ll know that you still “got it.”

and you’ll know that i’m “the one” because i make you smile every day. i make your life better. easier. and always exciting. i look up to you, respect you, and let you lead – because by then i trust you. and for that same reason i genuinely want to do the the things that impress you. it comes naturally to me. because i know that you don’t see it as some temporary form of amusement. i’ll probably even be the first one to suggest those things. and at the same time i’ll appreciate you for everything that you do, without always asking for more. i’ll stay by your side through the good times and the bad, cheering you on and supporting you. i’ll make a warm home for you to come back to at the end of the day too. so you’ll never feel stressed or “trapped.”

and our conversations will change over time but we both know that’s life. we also know it’s worth it. and no matter what our life ends up looking like we’ll make time for more exciting things. because we naturally make them a priority. and we wouldn’t want to risk losing everything we’ve built together just to satisfy our boredom in precarious ways. because we both know that meaningless fun is not all there is to life. and we both acknowledge that by making the best of each moment, and by compromising when things aren’t the best. we will show each other kindness when we are at our best, and even more when we are at our worst. yes – that’s exactly what we’ll do. because that’s what love really is.

too bad we really won’t though, because it doesn’t exist.